My Precious Daddy

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru..... 5 labors and birth wasn't this hard.....maybe harder on my body but never on my heart.

Again, I can hardly believe that it has been six weeks since I last posted. I was in crisis mode for about 4 weeks, now this week reality is here and it is too hard to deal with some days.

The first few days of May were difficult. My Daddy's body was giving in to the cancer and tumor in his throat. He was getting choked and would wake up from sleep not able to breathe. Momma called the ambulance one night b/c he wasn't able to recover quickly enough. By the time they got there he was better, but still was on oxygen all the time from then on. I stayed that Saturday night with them, b/c even though in my mind I knew it was happening, I guess I still had hope it wouldn't and I didn't want my precious Momma to be alone with him when it did.

On May 5th hospice was ordered for my dear Daddy. We met together as a family later that night to talk about things. Momma did most of the talking (she was so strong, I think she too was in crisis mode) and explained everything the Dr said. It seems unreal b/c Daddy is still walking and talking and even laughing on occasion with us. I know the reality of it is true, but it just didn't seem possible. I have seen his body give up over the last several months, but he is fighting so hard to keep going. He and Momma talked Wednesday afternoon about many things and made their list of what they wanted to do. They went to bed and he woke up again choking, but this time it would be his last. In God's perfect plan they were alone together, Momma holding his hand and loving him til she went to make the phone call for the ambulance. She didn't need to see his last moments....that would be too hard for her I think. He went to be with the Lord and rest.

This is a journey I would have never chosen to walk down and has forever changes who I am, who my Momma is, who my kids are, who Jimmy is, my entire family will never be the same, but in a good way.

I was in crisis mode for weeks. The nurse in me came out and performed....all very "do what has to be done in a matter of fact way". Now reality of my Daddy not being here is overwhelming some days. I think of him when I see:

a deer in the field - he loved to deer hunt and would always drop in from hunting while we were still in our PJs on Saturday mornings (bearing snacks of course)

a fishing boat at the river - he loved to fish

a white truck going down the road - the last one he drove and still sits in the driveway

a white car like Momma's he used to drive - she traded for a van so he could get in it easier

a watermelon at the grocery store - he used to bring one when he and Momma would visit

a brown paper bag - I put Jimmy's lunch in it, but Daddy would bring the kids snack crackers in it when he was able to come sit at the pond here and go fishing with them. Kirk would always greet him with "Papaw, you have snack for us?" when he was little.

I could go on for longer than I have time to sit.

Now I cry at everything, over anything, about nothing - my little ones don't understand. They are so precious.....they go to their room and pray for God to heal my heart. They see it from the eternal (PTL!) - Papaw is in heaven "skipping down the streets of gold" and fishing in a river overflowing and abundant. Now I laugh b/c my Daddy would never skip anywhere unless one of the grandkids asked him to. My little Abigail is so precious and sees so profoundly into Godly insight says we shouldn't be sad we should be happy b/c Papaw isn't in pain and isn't hurting and doesn't need his walker. In my head I know that but my heart still is breaking, it still is too raw a wound to not feel pain.